The past few days has not been great days for me. I'm experiencing feelings that I've never felt before and perhaps frustration has finally caught up with me, leaving me with a sense of just... utter hopelessness.

I hope I don't sound like I'm going emo. Its not that, its something else and I really have no idea what it is.

Daily I would stare at my computer. Once I reach home, my computer would be in my room at that was the end of my studying plans. I do have a principle not to study at home, but that only applies on normal days, not when I have an exam to prepare for and even more not when its 1 week away.

Perhaps its a sense of hopelessness that has crawled up to me in my preparations for the exams. I know whatever I'm doing now is merely hugging Buddha's leg, and really, I just lose all interest in studying for the sake of studying.

And as if to mock me, as I slack through my day, without the urge to study, I would have my conscience pounding me in the head as the day ends and coming to realization that I have done absolutely nothing for the day, despite for my failing Economics and General Paper Scores.

Thus, for the past few days, I've even resorted to sleeping early and waking up in the middle of the night to work. Nobody's awake, thus no people to play games with, and even the computer can't hold me for long. As I'm working through the night, I know that I'm making progress as I slog through the many prelim papers, but then I'm still not feeling right.

I can take a sip of coffee in the morning and still feel like shit.

Perhaps its the realization that even with extra work, I'm still behind the general population, that I'm still being pwned my most of the people I know in the school. I can't believe how competitive I've become in just a year within the school. I remember not even giving a shit back in BPGHS, where I merely studied till when I thought was sufficient. Not here anymore. I hear about how my classmates have completed Stacks, and Stacks of papers, while I still fall behind pathetically, doomed to failure in the Examinations ahead.

Which makes me wonder all of a sudden, what's the point of Acing prelims anyways. I'm not exactly going to be applying overseas with my Expected Scores, and neither am I intending to apply for a scholarship until the release of my A Levels results.

Sitting here, I feel ashamed to say that I have no idea at all to the answer above.? Expectations I suppose?

I look back behind me as I see my brother lying there, and I know that I'm being looked up to by him.

As egoistic as it sounds, I can't screw up now.

..

But moving on, what else could be involved in me that could be causing this muddle of feelings in me now? Taking back my words, perhaps there is a tinge of emo-ness scattered somewhere within me. Recent events with her has made me think much more about myself and how much of a bastard I am. But then, lets not go there, I've said I'll never place anything like this on the blog again.

..

What else could I be feeling? A sense of fatigue perhaps? The feeling that enough is enough? And its about time to enjoy life?

I dunno. My family is going out for dinner. Will Continue this later.
Back, had a good dinner at Jack's Place and a great Pool Session as well.

Also back to the subject. Is it just actually simply the feeling of fatigue, just amplified by the pressure and stress around us? Perhaps it is all just myself giving myself all the pressure in the world, tiring out even when the work was never there in the first place.

Hell, I see others going through the exact same thing, and definitely having done a lot more than I have. And I know I'm much more tired than them.

I blame the extra weight I carry around =X.

Sleeping more doesn't seem to be clearing the problem. In fact, I wake up usually more tired then when I sleep. Which is really starting to freak me out these few days. What irony.

...

Somewhere in there, I can also definitely feel a sense, just a small sense of injustice somewhere down there. Its small, but I know its there. But injustice about what?

Everything above I suppose. I'm not a saint. There is definitely this part somewhere in me that refuses to admit that its my own fault and really, I've done everything I can to make life easy for me, and for others.

But you ask, so how am I going to blame the rest? I quote from our favourite literature text author, 'This education has reduced us to a nation of morons' and we are just merely mugging our way out of life. I don't like mugging. And you don't need mugging as a skill in the workplace in the future. Problem is you need that degree that mugging brings you.

Perhaps degrees and certificates in schools these days should be rephrase. A for the subject of Mugging. Or if you prefer it in a more positive tone, a Diploma in Diligence.

..

But we all know that's wrong. Some people really study right and play right. The high achievers that I can but sulk as I watch them skip off into the horizon with their trophies and diplomas. There a reason why every have different scores for their IQ Tests, why some people just always win the top placing in competitions. They're just that damned good.

In fact, we have to recognize that there are subjects where mugging will do us no good. And thinking is still the way to get there, example like General Paper.

For those who exclaim, "But GP can mug!" right now... Well congrats to you then. You're the best.

..

Perhaps I just need to come to terms with myself and just find my 'inner peace' like our favourite Indian English teacher.

Someone get me a crazy headmaster.